Last week I cried on the way home from work. I haven't done that for a while.
I used to cry every time I drove home, I think it's because when I'm sat in the car there's no distractions from my thoughts, no other jobs to hide in.
Also, the radio brings with it a myriad of issues. There was a time I never thought I'd be able to listen to music again. In fact me in and Chris went through a period of listening to Greek Music. Our house was reminiscent of a Greek Taverna for most of last summer, to which our friends will ascertain, just missing some dodgy Ouzo!
I listen to a lot of sports radio. I like sports radio and it has the added benefit of lacking music. When I do listen to music on the radio I am quick to change stations should any song come on that brings too many memories. This is usually anything by Pink or Jess Glynne, but can spiral to be anything about love or loss, anything that Lauren liked, anything she didn't like.....you can understand why the Greek music was so popular!
Last week Jimmy Eat World, "The Middle" came on Radio X. This is a particularly emotive track as it's the music from one of Lauren's favourite (& truly awful) films "Zoom Academy"!
My first reaction was to switch it off, but I didn't. I turned it up and I sang along & I sobbed. I felt truly awful and bereft and angry and heartbroken all at the same time. I felt like I would never feel okay again....but then, before the song had even finished the feelings subsided to a level of control. I could sit with the sadness, think of Lauren as I entered into something that felt almost meditative.
Although at the time, the tsunami of emotion felt almost too much to bear, afterwards I felt calmer and stronger.
If, like in previous days, I had turned off the radio, I would not have endured the pain, but also would not have been blessed with the calm that follows. The grief of Lauren's death is now part of my existence I need to learn to let it live alongside me, and not always hide from it.
Sitting in the sadness allows me to open my heart back up to Lauren, and all she means to me.