My head has been very swirly of late, unable to fixate on a single thought path for any length of time.
Time is changing, home is changing. That in itself is unsettling. Kids getting older, becoming more independent from me. I don't like to write about them, their stories are not mine to write, but that doesn't mean they aren't important, just too important.
I've had a couple of difficult moments this week. The first one was unexpected, it was at the dentist. I know no-one likes a visit to the dentist but whilst lying their getting a filling repaired I realised I had no escape from my thoughts. The swirling subsided and there was just Lauren. It's not that I want to avoid thinking of her, but at the dentist wasn't my chosen place. It did make me realise how adept I've become at busying myself & my thoughts. My aim going forward is to allow more time to sit and think, without a phone or a book, just me.
The second moment, and probably a major factor in the swirling, was going back to college. The same college that Lauren should have been enrolling at next year, the one I did my a levels at so many years and lifetimes ago. I've begun a counselling course. A course I never would have taken if Lauren had not died.
How many things happen that change the course of our lives, not even monumental things like death, but the little things, which job you take, which bus you get on, the school our parents choose for us.. We have no way of knowing what would have happened if any one of these choices had been different. Nothing is pre determined, no path already decided for us.
There are many moments in the last week of Lauren's life that I wonder at what point the outcome could have been changed. But I have no way of knowing.
It feels for me like a new journey has begun. It isn't the one I wanted or planned for but it's the one I've got. I don't know where it will lead but actually that's okay. Also feeling swirly is OK too.