Swirling on Repeat
Grief is a strange thing, always changing & shifting slightly, too slippery to ever get a proper hold of. I have a few days of feeling generally okay then something floors me, usually something obtuse, Yesterday out of nowhere I had Africa by Toto swirling round in my head, and it completely undid me. Toto brought a return to the ache that resides in the pit of my stomach. I could understand if it was a beloved favourite track, or anything we used to sing together (not that she'd sing anything with me ...waaay too embarassing), but just a random eighties tune...... this is why I've taken to listening to Greek taverna music!
We put the old tent up last weekend. We were selling it as we bought a new one at the end of last season. The old tent is the one we used on our last camping trip, last family holiday as a five, when we went to York. Going inside was like walking through a sea of memories. All the holidays, all the laughter and arguments. There was alot of Phil Mitchell like exhaling, and I believe the husband may have got grit in his eye! I didn't even consider how sad it would make me feel.. I'm so glad we've got a new tent or camping holidays would have been a blast from now on, it's one thing to remember Lauren, but sitting sobbing over smores is not the done thing.
And then, just like that it's Father's Day. Last year we came back from football training to the badly cleaned up aftermath of a food fight. Lauren had decided to rope her brother into helping her make sweet pastries for their Dad. Clearly it had descended into a flour throwing contest. We were blazing mad with them, how inconsequential it all seems now.
The hits just keep on coming. It's not always that easy to roll with them.