Sometimes I can talk and sometimes I can't
Sometimes the hardest part of this journey is that it is not mine alone. I don't have ownership of all the pain and heartache, I have to make room for the pain of others.
It can make me angry, when I feel okay but others don't. I think, don't bring me down, stop maudlin. But then when I'm sad and others aren't I feel mad with them for being okay!
Friends tell me that it's okay to be selfish, that I need to think of myself, but it's not just me locked in here, and we aren't all identical. Just because we are going through the same thing doesn't mean we experience the same feelings at the same time. Sharing the grief can be hard. There's not just my grief but theirs, their sorrow and heartache that I cant cure, their tears that make me cry, their loss that I feel in the pit of my stomach.
I know that family will be the rock that gets me through this. But sometimes the pain of those I love the most is almost worse than my own pain.