I woke up under a black cloud today. It's not all to do with Lauren, it is Monday in November, in another national lockdown, but she's the main reason.
We sat as a family last night to watch the start of "I'm a celebrity". This was one of Lauren's favourite times of year, sitting watching with family, often catching the end in the morning before school if she was too tired the night before, voting on the app for her favourites. When we all started watching last year we had no idea that Lauren would be dead before the series ended, how could we? It's just too ridiculous.
This time last year we were all so excited for Christmas. It was to be our first Christmas spent abroad, we would be skiing on Christmas day, a guaranteed white Christmas. It was doubly exciting for Lauren as she was going skiing with school, just one week after we came back from our family ski trip. She'd obviously convinced me to buy her some expensive ski gear. It's sat in her wardrobe, still with tags on.
It was a perfect time for us. Lauren's recent school report had been fantastic and she was splitting her time between schoolwork and rehearsals for her dance show. It feels so unfair that just 3 weeks later it was snatched away from us. I know I try not to measure things in fairness, but sometimes it's the only thing that fits.
Sometimes I'm so mad and resentful at everything, the whole world and I don't care if that's pointless. Sometimes I just want to throw my toys out of the pram, to shout and scream and kick. Sometimes that fact that our happy, perfect life has been torn apart makes me so angry. I don't want to be strong and brave, I'm just mightily pissed off.