One of the unexpected consequences to Lauren's death, is my inability to listen to any music without my heart breaking.
Music has always been an integral part of my life, from singing along to Dire Straits in the car with my dad, to sulking in my room as a teenager listening to The Cure and Velvet Underground, through all the crazy outfit (and hair) choices I made due to the music I listened too. More recent times have involved drunken "guess that tune" with friends, and trying to influence the kids music choices away from bland pop.
But now I can't stand it.
I don't just mean the obvious songs, those by Pink and Jess Glynne that we played at the funeral, or her favourite songs, or even my favourite songs that she had learned to love too. I mean all songs.
They fall into different categories; songs I can't play because she liked them, songs I can't play because I like them and they remind me of happy times, songs I dont like but she liked so I can't play them, songs neither of us liked so why would I want to play them, but I can't anyway because every song is about some kind of loss or life event or even if it's not I manage to twist the lyrics in some way to fit my situation.
You may think this is just an inconvenience, something to avoid, just listen to talk radio. And I try....I listen to talk sport, and let's face it there could be nothing less relevant at the moment than a radio designed to talk about live sport, still I listen, to avoid any music, but I can't because music is everywhere.
I went to the dentist to have a filling fixed and they had the radio on in the background. I was forced to listen to music with my mouth held open. I presume they thought my strangled half sobs were due to fear of dentistry, rather than fear of inane pop. I left there worried about how to tell them, at my next appointment, to turn the radio off before they began. I imagined there hushed conversations afterwards.."that's the one whose daughter died"
Only this week I was watching "Sons of Anararcy", don't judge, we are in lockdown and there are worse faces to look at than Charlie Hunnam! There was a random scene with an Elvis impersonator singing the exact song that The Husband used to croon to Lauren to get her to sleep....and just like that I'm practically inconsolable.
I realise that Lauren's death has turned me into this crazy person that cries at completely inappropriate moments. It's a good job I can't go shopping, no-one needs to deal with a middle aged woman in the middle of Zara who has collapsed in a heap because Stereophonics "C'est la vie" is being played on the radio.
Silence is Golden
But my eyes still see.