I've not been well. It's just a cold. Although I'm not sure any illness is "just" anything these days. I felt like a pariah for simply blowing my nose, god knows what would have happened if I sneezed in public.
The downside of a dip in physical health is that it leads to a dip in mental health too. I've been barely holding it together this week, the facade often slipping.
I don't worry about having a facade, a front to face the world. If anything i think it shows a healthy approach to coping with grief. We all do it, act a different way infront of our close friends compared to our work friends, or our parents.
Sometimes when dealing with extreme grief it is viewed as unhealthy, a bad coping mechanism. But I don't see that. If I wore my grief on my sleeve, so to speak, I couldn't function, I would be consumed by it. It's not fair to expect people to live like that. Yes I cover it up, not because I'm not coping but because its the only rational way to cope. It's selfish of people to expect anything else.
We all hide our true feelings, our innermost fears. We all wear a mask (literally at the moment!) No one wants to feel exposed. We are social creatures and we are aware that to survive in society it is necessary to act a certain way.
I live with my grief daily, hourly, minute by minute. That does not mean I need to show it, nor would it help me or anyone else if I did.
If falling apart would bring Lauren back then I would do it, gladly. But until that moment comes I'll drink my lemsip and try and hold it all together 💙