As the country starts to slowly re-emerge from its cocoon of covid avoidance, I am having a swirling mixture of emotion. On one hand the fact that we now have more freedom to visit loved ones is obviously a good thing, I am more than happy that the schools are back, and although my employment had not been unduly affected by covid as we are in the essential construction sector, I can imagine it must be a huge relief to others that they can soon reopen their doors. Yet I am still left feeling uneasy.
I don't think it's fear of catching Covid. Our vaccine rollout has been the one thing in this sorry mess that has gone well. I guess that's what happens when the NHS runs things rather than the politicians. It's more about the over stimulation of it all. I can cope with one or two tasks a day, but any more just feels overwhelming. The idea of functioning in a busy place just seems alien.
I can see from the news reports of crowds and the ubiquitous piles of rubbish, that some people are more than happy to toss off the covid shackles and immerse themselves in newly rediscovered freedoms, but I'm just as sure that there are plenty, like me, who feel overwhelmed by it all.
I'm pretty positive that at least some of it is to do with moving on, or my lack of desire to. While the country gets ready to move on from the last 13 months I don't want to. Things may start to get back to normal for some, but they never will for me. Seeing the kids go back to school, and dance classes and meeting up with friends is a stark reminder that Lauren isn't there to do that. Her friends will finish high school, grow up, have families of their own, but Lauren never will. She will always be 13yrs old. That is definitely overwhelming.
I think the reality is that I'm dealing with symptoms of anxiety, hardly surprising given what the last 15 months have thrown our way. It's no biggie. I guess for now I'll hide away in the garden for abit longer and pray for sunshine, slowly re-entering the world one small tentative footstep at a time.
It is exhausting to worry about things over which we have no control, much better to concentrate that energy onto those things we can command.