Grief, it is such a little word but it can mean so much ...anger, sadness, despair,
But recently I've discovered that you can add restlessness on to that list. The sort of restlessness that means you can't settle but also can't concentrate on doing any meaningful tasks. It makes you feel on edge, quick to anger, jittery.
The thing about grief is that it's so unspecified and insidious that it can take time to realise that the emotion you are feeling can be caused by it. Even though as a family we've suffered a horrific life changing event it can still sometimes not be obvious that the cause of our distress is grief, so I often spend days trying to understand why I feel so bad, which just adds to the feelings of unsettledness.
As I write that I realise it sounds odd, but life & indeed all human nature is odd.
The recent bout of restlessness has been caused by the youngest starting high school today. A fraught time for any parent, but made worse as it should have been Lauren's last year at high school. When her younger sister imagined this day it would of been with Lauren by her side, not just in her thoughts.
As we watched the two remaining siblings walk off for the bus, there was one glaring omission. Our two fabulous children clearly missing their third. Lauren should have been there, walking with them, helping & mocking in equal measure as only big sisters can. All the restlessness of the last few days had been leading to this inescapable & heartbreaking moment.
Happiness always linked with sorrow, memories with regret, restlessness, sleeplessness.....grief