Friends have been asking how I'm feeling on the run up to Mothers Day. "I'm fine" tends to be the stock response. Which loosely translates to "It'll be tough but I'll get through, thanks for asking" It's not my first Mothers Day without Lauren and I got through the first one, so I've no reason to expect I wont get through this one. And I have felt ok...... until this week.
Suddenly emotions are right there, the photos that cause that sharper intake of breath, the memories causing my throat to constrict.
It leads me to analyse (over- analyse?) my emotions. Are they linked to Mothers Day? Or the children going back to school? Or both? In one sense it is important to know what triggers the rougher times, but essentially it doesn't change anything.
What I need to try and do is just be in the moment without trying to decipher it, alow myself the feel the emotions. Just like some days we wake up buoyant and others broody, some days I will feel the pain more. There doesn't need to be a why, the big why is that Lauren isn't here. She isn't here on any day, not just when the kids go back to school or on Mothers Day.