Mistakes & Melancholy
I must admit to making an error. Despite all I've learnt in the past three years there are still turns along the journey that are suddden and unexpected. A reminder that non of us know the road ahead.
This year, over Christmas time, we went on a family skiing holiday. That meant the run up to the festive period was manically busy with Christrmas prep and holiday prep.
Lauren's death day was remembered in our traditional way, with Christmas decorations, "Almost Christmas" and KFC. It would have been the perfect day for her. And although I felt the usual sorrow there has been no time for prolonged despair.
The anniversary of Laurens funeral, Christmas eve, we were travelling back from Austria. I thought that keeping busy was the perfect antidote to sorrow.
The thing that I've realised is that there is a certain amount of emotion that you need to let out. If you don't let it out it just bubbles and gurgles away until it erupts or just poisons the bloodstream.
All of which means that the January blues are decidedly more blue.
The problem is I was so busy keeping busy that I managed to completely ignore what was going on for me. By not making time for my own thoughts and feelings, thinking that I could ignore or avoid them, when all I really did was kick them down the road with me.
At some point you have to deal with the pain. I forgot that I needed to sit with the sadness, so it crept up and ambushed me.
Feelings don't go away, and if they're not acknowledged they fester and become bigger.
So take this, my error, as a reminder to allow time to embrace the sorrow or the pain. To accept that it exists and it is real, otherwise it can envelop you. I thought that by sticking to the rituals that we had I was giving enough time for the grief, but I ignored the separate personal time that we all need to allow our thoughts to wander and our soul to breathe.
In this busy modern world the emphasis can be on keeping engaged and positive. Whereas sometimes we need to allow time for the detached and cynical, if only to find a way through.