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Lockdown Limbo

So the lockdown continues, or at least it does for most of us. One day blends with the next. I miss my family and friends. Zoom doesn't make up for the loss of human contact, the easy, relaxed chatter of close friends and family, enjoying food and drink together.

Although I welcome an easing of restrictions I worry about what it will bring; not just in terms of a second wave of infection, but also how I will feel when the post lockdown celebrations begin

Today is another milestone Lauren is missing, her younger sister turning ten. Family birthdays were once a time of calm and contentment, now I prepare for them with clenched teeth and a churning stomach. At least I've learnt that the anticipation of the sadness is usually actually worse than the day itself. So although yesterday was tough, today isn't quite as bad, or at least it wasn't until my thoughts went back to this time last year.

How quickly things change, we go along oblivious to the heart breaking situations we will soon deal with. I don't believe things are pre ordained, and even if I did I doubt I'd want to know in advance, not unless I could change it. But I look back on the fun we had on this day last year and marvel at my happy naivety. I wish I could be back there.

Part of me feels like the timing of the lockdown could be perfect for our family. We've had the time to be together, to grieve together. But I also know that if it wasn't for the the lockdown we would be camping this week in devon and today we'd be at the theme park I'd planned, making new, happy memories. I wouldn't have this introverted time to reflect in.

Time will tell if the quiet has been good for us all, but I may be more ready for the celebrations at the end of lockdown than I previously thought.

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