I am aware that when I started this blog I had vague altruistic intent, not just to vent my emotions to anyone who would listen. I also had the notion that it may help others who find themselves at this shit show.
As we approach the 2 month marker since Lauren's death I realise that I am still a novice at this, but I know alot more than I did 2 months ago.
I know that the world keeps turning, even if you don't want it to.
I know you will cope, as there is no other option.
I know that sitting in a corner & crying all day wont bring your child back, what it will do is make you feel worse, if that's actually possible.
I know that when people say to take it moment by moment it isn't just a cliche. One moment can actually be okay, but the next it can be hard to breathe.
I know that alcohol helped at first, when I was numb. But once I was thinking & feeling alcohol made it worse.
I know it's okay to ask for help.
I know that I'm not the only person going through this, 6000 babies, children and young people die ever year in this country. I am not alone.
I know grief is not a process, it's not a tick box of emotions that you move from one to the next. It's a melting pot of emotions, you never know which one will leap out of that pot and hit you in the face.
I know I always need to wear waterproof mascara.
People keep telling me how brave I'm being. But I don't think it's brave, it's self preservation. When the desperation hits it really feels like someone is ripping my heart out with their bare hands, another cliche that unfortunately turns out to be true. Why would I want to feel that way any longer than necessary? I need to choose to find the positives, find the things that help & repeat them, ditch the things that don't help.
I have spoken to people further down this path than me, and they tell me that the grief does get easier to bear. I cling to that, along with other positives, my amazing family and my fantastic friends. They are like my raft in a sea of sadness. When the sea is calm the raft easily keeps me afloat, but when the sea is stormy I am lucky to survive.
Over time I hope to build a bigger raft.....or in the words of cinematic greats...we're going to need a bigger boat.