Yesterday the local high school went back, yes in August! So my son started year 8, Lauren would have been year 10, but obviously she's not. I couldn't even manage the obligatory back to school photo.
It was also our 16 year wedding anniversary. 15 happy years, and one absolutely awful one, with the death of not just Lauren, but my beautiful sister in law too.
All day I felt leaden. Not numb, just heavy. It was a day off work for me. Chris was working from home and the youngest had her friend over for the day. I was unable to focus on anything, wandering around the house, starting but not finishing any number of tasks. I don't suppose the rain helped.
I sat for probably 2 hours, just staring into space, ears ringing in the silence.
Eventually I went for a bike ride, to do my 5k. It was wet and windy. I should really have ridden for longer, but sometimes it feels easier to hide from what will help.
I hate days like these. They are depressing. I don't want to feel anxious and unsettled, it's too draining.
With evening came our anniversary meal out. Last year the kids cooked for us, waiter service & romantic music. But without the influence of the eldest that wasn't going to happen this year. Instead we took the kids out. It wasn't as much that we didn't want a romantic meal for two, it's more that I like to do things that involve the kids now. I'm more aware of time passing and I want to spend as much of it as possible with the people I love. The kids will, hopefully, grow up, move out, have their own lives. I hope that will include me and their dad, but it will never be to the same degree that it is now. That is why I intend to embrace them, both physically and emotionally while I still can.