I've tried really hard to stop my thoughts from spilling out, really tried to ignore the unease that was swirling, aware that what I wanted to say would not be well received.
But now, the final dance is done, I can be honest about how I feel.
At first I had nothing but sympathy, as a mum who'd been there, I wished then all the best & hoped for them. Then as things progressed I wondered about my actions, should I have done more for Lauren, was I too passive, too quick to believe what the doctors told me, did I let her down, let her die.
This led to me taking more interest in Archie's case. I read about the medical and family history, the legal situation, and slowly, very slowly, my viewpoint changed.
There is very little criticism that can be levelled on a grieving mum, but as a grieving mum also I get a small pass.
I'm still reticent at being too critical as I'd like to think, possibly erroneously, that Archie was at the forefront of everything that happened.
The issues are numerous; firstly, the guilt that is raised with other mums, like me, who believed the medical professionals when we were told nothing more could be done, were we too placid, should we have demanded more, then what about the medical professionals who spend their days trying to save our children, how do they cope with the vitriol that is levelled against them. I have seen first hand the emotional heartache that these doctors & nurses carry, the genuine tears that are shed when modern medicine falls short of it's desired conclusion. Also, what of the other parents at the hospital, fighting though the media scrum to get to their sick and dying children.
But what probably makes me most mad is the use of resources. I realise that sounds horrific, a child has died, but resources are not finite. You would think that being told your child needs an intensive care bed is the worst thing you can hear, but it's not. For me, the scariest words were what was uttered next "We will try & find one now." What followed was frenzied phone calls to the few hospitals with Pediatric Intensive Care Units in the hope a bed could be found. Thankfully it was, I'm not sure what happens if there is no bed, but it must be a reality for some.
Losing a child is horrific and my heart does go out to the family. Dealing with losing a child is beyond abhorrent, and everyone's reactions will be different, but I'm not sure the extracted legal process has been in anyone's best interests.