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And On ...and on

I write less, not because I have less to say, but I fear I may just repeat myself.

We are approaching the end of my second year in grief. The seasons continue and they bring with them the same emotion.

Anniversaries of death, as with life, need celebrating. That may seem an unusual turn of phrase, but the reality is that rituals are important. Rituals for life and rituals for death.

I do not look forward to Lauren's death day. I've been trying to avoid looking to it since November began. But even Matt Haig does not really know how to stop time.

Death/grief/loss, they are awkward emotions. We don't know what to do with them, how to acknowledge them. I try to be forthright, in the hope that pure honesty will help. I'm not sure it does. I try and keep busy, create new family rituals, but sometimes there seems no purpose.

The fact that Lauren died (I still hate writing that, but passed or lost seems so untrue) in December is wholly shit on one side, but we get to use the time of year for our rituals. The 11th is now the day the Christmas tree & decorations go up, resplendent with new angel. We get to watch Lauren's favourite Christmas films.

I hate, hate, hate that she is dead. But no amount of hate can change that. Life, as they say, is for the living, and live it we must.

Loss, with effort, becomes easier to bear. We are all definitely stronger than we think. We hide from things because we don't want to face them, or think they couldn't happen to us, and that is completely understandable. But the reality is we can deal with them if we have to, we are capable, we are all capable. I am definitely no stronger than you, yet here I am. If I can do it, there is no doubt in my mind that everyone else can do it too.

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