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16th Birthday

A Letter to my Daughter

Today you should be turning 16 years old. I wonder what we would have done. You would have no school to go to so maybe a spa day, or shopping, maybe a show, remember Jess Gylnne? That was a great night. I guess there's every chance that you wouldn't have spent the day with me but with friends or a boyfriend, but it's my imagined day so I get to claim it.

I'm sure we'd all be glad that the GCSE's were over. I would been harassing you about revision, even though you would have done plenty. I was always harder on you, probably too hard, sorry about that. I replay some of those arguments & wish I could take it back, or been more considerate. I guess that's the issue when your the oldest child, the expectations are always higher. You wouldn't believe what I let the other two get away with now, you'd be telling me it wasn't fair. But I know now that most of the stuff I got mad about is irrelevant, you taught me that, by dying so ridiculously young. Time is short and you have to choose how to use it best.

I wonder what you'd have worn for the prom, something blue probably. I'm sure the cost would have been shocking, the dress, shoes, nails, hair, makeup (not the fake tan, you always hated that) I'd have joked that we couldn't tell your Dad how much it all was, but the reality was he'd have known & it would be okay, you were always his little princess. You would have looked gorgeous, but you would have been sure that everyone else looked better than you. You never could see how beautiful you were.

I miss you.

You were the person that taught me how to be a mum. That made me a better mum for your siblings. You've taught me how to be a grieving mum too, I could have done without that lesson.

I remember when I was pregnant with you I was so scared that something was going to go wrong. When you were born, in super fast time, I was so relieved that everything went smoothly. I thought I could protect you from then on, I wish I could of, I wish things had gone differently.

But we had a happy 13 years together, despite my moaning about what you wore or ate or the state of your room, I think, hope, that you know how much I love you. I was so proud of the amazing young woman you were becoming, so happy to be sharing the journey with you. So devastated that it was cut short.

I found the angel brooch you bought me. I thought it was lost but it turned up on Saturday attached to a dress I'd not worn in ages and was about to send to charity. Do you remember when you gave it me? You said if I wore it an angel would watch over me. I'm wearing it today.

There are so many pictures I could share, so many happy times and funny memories.. I'm saving the really embarrassing ones for your 18th.

Happy Birthday darling, all my love forever 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

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